Second chances are not yet for me

 Was I planning on doing anything during the week in Korea? No, not much besides the concert. What did I end up doing? Literally everything I can think of.

Someone asked me why I haven’t been posting and actually, I have. I’ve been writing, at least. I just took them down or didn't post them at all. Somewhere inside me, there’s always this suspicion that my emotions are too shallow and too early and I’m terrified of naming them too soon. It feels like it will cheapen them. This is literally how I feel like you guys will act when I post. 

I know I already talked about this blog being an exposure therapy, but it’s not working because no one’s forcing me to post. Now I'm just writing all ts alone and bottling my thoughts again–except I came back! Watch me this time. I won’t fail myself. 

Let’s start with the concert. I was very ready for firebird. I imagined every suite arrangement, bought a record player to watch the ballet in full. Got it connected and all. Rite of Spring too. Though in segments, I’ve watched the ballet a few times online before and there really only is two pieces.I already knew what I was getting into and I knew it was going to be epic.

That was me on Sunday and Saturday, before I found out I got the wrong tickets. There were two days in this program, where Wednesday they played Stravinsky and on Tuesday they played Mahler 2. As it turns out, I forgot to specify the date and my dad just got me the first ones that he saw. I ended up not watching the ballet. 

I actually have been to Mahler 2 before. Right before Covid, I think around 2019, for some reason I was in HongKong with my family during a school week. To be honest I didn’t even know what a Mahler was and did not give a fuck about the concert. I in fact dreaded going. It ended up being pretty cool but not cool enough to satisfy my 6th grade brain.

I’ll keep it short because I am aware that my friends that I’m forcing to read my blogs aren’t into classical music. It was awesome. For the lack of a better word. It really is different to listen and watch in real life and use my little airpods. While we are blessed to have access to such music in our pockets, it’s really not enough. Actually I think it might even be the worst way of access to great music.This really isn’t a casual listen. 

But more than that, this  whole symphony is so bizarre to me because nothing about my life has ever been about resurrection. 

Death is a word that has visited me but not quite settled into my bones. I cannot understand the concept of resurrection when I barely have lost anything yet to begin with. But I also believe that Mahler isn’t a buddhist. I doubt this was truly about his wisdom on resurrection, but rather out of the terror and need to believe in something after. Maybe he felt his own mortality. Or someone else's. Maybe that’s why he stopped after the first movement for years. He probably didn’t know how to go on either.

What kind of relationship do I even have with resurrection? For me, especially in this world where we see death and choose to document and learn clinically, resurrection feels like a fairy tale. The concept of it is almost insulting in its naivety. A second chance was never proven to be real. The type of grief I witnessed throughout my life doesn’t quite wrap up like a symphony does. Let alone this one.

Someone online mentioned yearning. That seems more in touch with the world I know than resurrection. But still, yearning is just as bizarre to me. This music is enormous. It’s clawing at heaven. My life, by my own measure, hasn’t required that reaching. Have I yearned before? Maybe. There are some parts of my life that I look back on and think I must have wanted to yearn so bad. But to claim yearning in a 17 year long life of privilege is extremely arrogant. Have I ever hurt so much because I wanted something that bad? Again, maybe. My answer would be yes if I was a little dumber. I don’t like the idea of claiming yearn. Maybe it was a form of yearning, but I refuse to call it that… because I refuse to believe that was the worst my emotions could do. Even to want light! Have I ever wanted salvation? I’ve always been content sinking. This symphony as a whole felt like watching others drown and resurface while I've never even tried to swim. 

I envy the symphony. Mahler asks questions that I wouldn’t have asked. To listen to his questions didn’t spark much in me either. I envy the emotional gall of this symphony that I can clinically see but cannot feel. I don’t want to name what I’ve had so far just yet because I know and I hope I didn’t yet reach my full capacity to want like that. 

I’ll stop there because this probably isn’t that interesting for you guys. But it was epic and you should go to a concert too.

I went on a train to Ulsan on Thursday. It’s close to Busan but just a little further down. It’s actually closer to Fukuoka than it is closer to Seoul. Reminds me of some of my peers. 

The whole trip took me 3:30 hours by train and another hour and a half by bus to my friend’s town. It was quite exhausting, and I think I could’ve gone to japan by plane in a shorter time. It’s back and forth, by the way. Meaning I spent 9 hours in transport alone. Crazy, right?

The very next day I went to Daegu to see another friend. This was shorter… around 2 hours one way. She also came to pick me up at the station so that was cool.

Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. I missed my friends. But next time they better come to Seoul because my ass died after these two days.

And then there’s my dad. 

Since I’m back in Korea, I gotta talk about my dad. My dad! I missed him. Did I? Yes. There are parts of him that I don’t miss, but I certainly did miss him.

But there’s something quite devastating that I learnt this week. I don’t take my school classes in Korean, and when I learn something I don’t learn the translation along with it. Meaning the knowledge I gain in English is not knowledge gained in Korean.. And now I have no way of articulating that in it. 

My Korean is deteriorating. Maybe deteriorating isn’t the right word. More like, there is a growing imbalance in how much I can say in the two languages. What I can say in English I cannot regurgitate in Korean. It’s horrifying. I’m losing what little connection I had with my dad.

He’s my father, but we’re separated by age, power, and quite frankly, social privilege. And now we gotta add language to the list. He doesn’t mean to sound so out of reach, but every time I need to explain my pain, I find myself translating threefold. Once from my heart to my tongue. Once from my tongue to his language, and once from his language to his framework. The last one has always collapsed. But now I can’t even make it through the second. 

Sometimes I really want to try to make him understand. But it’s hard! Sometimes he just reminds me that he’s literally the blueprint of Asian patriarchy. It’s hard when I remember he’s still a man afterall. It’s hard when I remember the dad that put me in the most terrifying situations I still have nightmares of and cry about. The number of times my hopes and dreams shattered in attempts to reach him. It feels like a protest against something impossible. I’ll never get it through. So why try now?

I don’t really want to elaborate further now either. How much of a heartbreak was this? It was huge. I cry every night, even now. It’s sad that I’ll never have the connection I desperately wanted with my parents. But it’s ok, because I have someone else that I latch to every minor inconvenience and celebration in my life now. It should be enough. I found peace afterall.

Is it ok? I hope it’s ok. 

I’ll end it with a song, again. Just like last time when I showed you guys my favorite ABBA 

song. This one’s called “About You” by The 1975.

Holy image quality???

It’s a very mainstream song, but something about this reminds me of Korea so much. It made me cry the first time I listened to it. I do think the background is dtm though. The way the singer says “forgotten” is kinda funny.

The girl part is exactly how I feel about Korea. My love-hate relationship with it. I’m not ready to unpack that here so just listen to it. You’ll get it. 

Anyway. I’ll try to be consistent. Maybe I’ll post my drafts that I took down or didn’t post at all. Anyway. 

Thanks!